Do you remember the first time you laid eyes on your spouse? Did your heart skip a beat? Throughout the time you dated and right into at least the first year of marriage, it was probably hard for you to take your mind off of your soul mate. You might have even gone out of your way to think of crazy and creative ways to express your love.
And then it happened. You can’t pinpoint exactly when, but somewhere along the way children, career, and other commitments seemed to steal the time that you used to set aside for fun and games with the love of your life. You still love your spouse, but things in the bedroom have become dull and predictable. You may be finding it almost impossible to spend any time together, just the two of you. Sometimes you wonder if this is all there is to marriage.
Pat Love, marital therapist and author of Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate Intimate Lovemaking and How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship, believes that couples who have been married a number of years and have lost “that loving feeling” can make their relationship hot, fresh and meaningful again.
“After years of working with couples, I came to the conclusion that no matter what couples were saying to me, the real problem was they no longer felt connected to each other,” said Dr. Love. “They lost the closeness that brought them together in the first place. We are a species that survives on relationships and we need that connection, especially with our spouses. Eighty percent of couples who divorce say they still love each other, which indicates that love is not enough. People long to feel that surge of energy that comes from connection.”
According to Dr. Love, for couples to keep their marriage going strong they must continually find ways to re-connect with each other. Happy, stable couples have hundreds of ways they connect throughout the day. It is the way they look at each other, listen to and consider the other person’s feelings that create opportunities for connection.
“I believe researcher, Dr. Linda Duncan, discovered something very important when she encouraged people to pay attention to moments of natural transition,” said Dr. Love. “When you first wake up, how do you greet your partner? This will set the tone for the day. If you are grumpy with each other as you start the day, it sets the tone for your interactions before you go your separate ways. How do you leave your partner in the morning? How you leave determines how you think about your relationship throughout the day. When you arrive back home, how do you greet your partner? Do you barely notice that the two of you are back together or are you excited to see each other and it shows? Finally, how do you say goodnight to your partner right before you go to bed? Some couples like to snuggle, others like to talk about their day or pray together. How you say goodnight sets the tone for how you sleep. One of the ways we stop ourselves from having connection with our spouses is to dishonor their method of connecting. Just taking a few minutes to pay attention to these transition points throughout the day can dramatically enhance your marriage relationship.”
Dr. Love believes that women have been sold a false bill of goods by saying that men are not relational. The truth may lie in the fact that women have a narrow definition of what it means to connect. Men don’t have to connect in exactly the same way as women. Dr. Love encourages individuals to ask their spouse, “When do you really feel connected to me?” or “What activity do we participate in that always brings us back to a good place?” For some it is going dancing or out to dinner and for others it is sitting down and being together. Whatever it is that brings closeness, guard it with a vengeance and practice it with faithfully. Dr. Love calls these activities gateway activities because they usually lead to opportunities for connectedness.
Making the Connection
In her latest book, How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, co-authored with Dr. Steven Stosney, Dr. Love makes the point that research shows men connect through sex and women connect through talking. According to Drs. Love and Stosney, the number one myth about relationships is that talking helps when in reality, more often than not, talking just makes things worse. When women talk about their feelings, it is soothing to them. However, sharing feelings can make men physically uncomfortable or can cause them to disengage. When men listen to women talk about their feelings, there is more blood flow to their muscles and they get fidgety. Women respond by thinking they are not listening, and things go down hill from there. Love and Stosney suggest instead of trying to bond verbally, let the words come out of the bonding process. When couples feel connected, men want to talk more and women need to talk less. The key is to meet somewhere in the middle.
If your relationship has lost its umph, Dr. Love suggests trying the following:
Do something physical together every day – Exercise, dance, make love, garden, romp, tussell with a hug, or walk together. Physical exercise generates new brain cells and that feels good. When you do this with your partner, your brain associates these times with pleasure.
Have fun together – Do something that is fun for both you and your spouse on a regular basis. Develop some new things to look forward to doing together. Share a sundae at the drive in, order for each other at a restaurant, read a novel together. You get the idea.
Search for the positive– Train your mind to see the goodness in your mate. When you think negatively, it is a slippery slope. The more you allow yourself to be negative, the more you will think negatively. You have to be intentional about wiring your brain to think positive. The latest research on extramarital affairs points out that the cause is not sex or excitement, it usually stems from someone outside the marriage taking the time to make the person feel wonderful. Make it a point to walk through the day with an attitude of loving your spouse.
Demonstrate thoughtfulness with your actions – Random acts of kindness really work wonders in a marriage. A love note in his wallet or greeting your wife with a hot cup of coffee first thing in the morning can go a long way towards rekindling those loving feelings.
Show physical affection without words – Make physical nonsexual contact in an affectionate way. A hug, pat on the shoulder, squeeze of the hand can all say I love you without ever saying a word.
Play fair – Keeping score is no way to build a strong marriage relationship. If you are constantly nit-picking and keeping track of who gets what, you’ve missed the mark. Emphasize equity in your relationship.
Stop the side conversations – Women frequently turn to their female friends or their mother for support at the exclusion of their husbands. If you are looking to increase intimacy in your marriage, there are some things that should stay just between you and your spouse.
Walk through the day with an attitude of loving your spouse – If your thoughts toward your spouse are something like, “I’ve made up my mind about you and it isn’t good,” this will block any opportunity to improve your relationship. Start the day with a loving attitude.
Spend time with people who support your marriage – Plan time to be with couples who are happy in their relationship. Couples who are having difficulty can undercut your relationship and marriage in general. It is easy to start behaving badly when other people around you are behaving badly. Surround yourselves with people who support the institution of marriage and truly believe in you as a couple.
Instigate a mutual laugh – People bond through laughter. It is easy to get so caught up in life that we take things too seriously. You should have a good hearty laugh together at least once a day. If you and your spouse aren’t very funny, look for funny stories to share with each other, watch America’s Funniest Videos and rent a funny movie.
Develop the art of ownership – Admit your mistakes. Apologize and practice humility, which is an endearing trait. It is far too easy to focus on your spouses weaknesses instead of your own opportunities for growth.
Do something a little different each day – Novelty gets your attention. Delight your partner by doing the unexpected. Dinner by candlelight “just because”, a back rub or a single rose are just three ways to say I love you!
“All of the ideas above can easily be incorporated into a relationship,” said Dr. Love. “However, you have to be intentional and practical when it comes to spicing up your marriage. Nothing is going to change unless you do something different. It can’t just be an idea in your head. This will require a bit of effort until it becomes a part of your life.”
The secret to putting the spark back in your relationship does not mean waiting until you get to the bedroom. Make an effort to connect with your spouse throughout the day. You might be surprised at how these simple actions can lead to a spicier marriage both in and out of the bedroom, which is what most people long for with their spouse!
Julie Baumgardner is the Executive Director of First Things First, a research and advocacy organization dedicated to strengthening families through education, collaboration and mobilization. To learn more about First Things First, visit their website at www.firstthings.org.