During a recent visit to Chattanooga sponsored by First Things First, Dr. Kevin Leman presented a parenting teens seminar. What follows are the words of wisdom he shared as he talked about raising five children ranging in age from 34 to 14.
“Raising kids through the adolescent years is like guiding your family in a raft through whitewater rapids,” said Dr. Kevin Leman, author of Running the Rapids: Guiding Teenagers through the Turbulent Waters of Adolescence and numerous other books on marriage and parenting.
Like going down the river trying to navigate rapids, rocks and other hidden dangers, there is definite risk in experiencing the adolescent years;much more so than in the past. In fact, there is the potential for it to be destructive for parents, teens and the entire family. Dr. Leman believes that how you choose to travel the river makes all the difference for you and your teen. Some people believe that the teen years are the most difficult. Dr. Leman would argue they have the potential to be the best years.
“The teenage years are a wild ride, with good reason,” said Dr. Leman. “I encourage parents to talk with their kids before they become teenagers about some of the things that will happen or that they are likely to experience including the idea that the day is coming when you are going to think your parents are really strange and don’t know anything.”
Parents Need to Know the River
While many are used to thinking that adolescence begins when teens turn 13, in today’s world adolescence begins around age 10. According to Dr. Leman, the goal during adolescence is not for parents to be their teen’s best friend. It is to be a smart parent. There are three elements parents need to pay attention to as they guide their teen through adolescence:
Major on the majors - Not everything is worthy of concern and debate. During his teen years, Dr. Leman’s son came to the dinner table and announced he was getting an earring. His mother was frantic waiting for Dr. Leman to handle this situation. Dr. Leman did not say a word. Three days later, Dr. Leman showed up at the dinner table with an earring. Several minutes passed by before his son noticed. Kevin squinted and looked at his father with disgust and said, “You look ridiculous.” To which Dr. Leman responded, “Really? Your mother likes it.” End of discussion.
In case you are wondering what would qualify as a major issue, here are some examples: modesty in dress; drugs and alcohol; showing respect to parents, siblings and people in authority; performance at school; contributing to the family; and automobile safety.
Some of the minor issues that Dr. Leman believes parents tend to give to much attention to include: hobbies and sports; early ideas about college and career; style and color of clothing; piercings and earrings; and getting straight A’s in school.
You may not agree with these lists, what is important is that you come up with your own lists and you talk about them with your teen.
Learn to say positive things to your kids - Children are a gift. Make an effort to affirm your teen when he/she makes good choices. For example, comment on your daughter’s excellent choices in clothing or acknowledge when you see your teen handle a situation well. This is a way to deliver a commercial message without giving a lecture.
Find something your adolescent can do well - Emphasize this strength and help your teen feel accepted and special.
“My friend Stephen Covey tells people to start with the end in mind,” said Dr. Leman. “That is exactly what I encourage parents to do. What kind of young adult do you want to see emerge at the end of adolescence? The decisions you make and the decisions your teen makes during the adolescent years will make all the difference in the outcome. I know many parents who choose to put their teen in the raft without a guide, but I believe if you are interested in the best outcome for your teenager, you will put him/her in the raft with you as their guide.”
Know the Rider
“According to Dr. Leman, many parents are clueless when it comes to understanding how bad life is for teenagers today.
“Kids are up against it,” said Dr. Leman. “They face pressures we never faced growing up. Parents need to know what to expect from their teens during adolescence. What is normal behavior for a teenager today? There are perils ahead in your teenager’s life, but there are calm times, too. However, even in calm times there may be problems just under the surface.”
Parents need to adopt smart strategies and know their kids. Smart parents find ways to spend time with their teenagers, whether it’s driving them to a sports event or a pottery class. The drive to and from events offers parents opportunities for conversation and listening. Be quick to listen to what’s going on in your teen’s life, and look for teachable moments. Don’t be afraid to tell them to put the iPod up and have a conversation.
Do not endure “smart mouth” comments from your teen. Parents can withhold a variety of privileges and freedoms to help curb sarcastic or disrespectful comments from teenagers.
“Many parents act as if their hands are tied when it comes to disciplining their teens,” said Dr. Leman. “In my opinion, parents have plenty of options such as taking away a cell phone or the keys to the car not to mention limiting dating privileges or telling them they can’t work. A job is a privilege.
“If you ask your teen to complete a task by a certain time and he/she hasn’t completed it, there should be a consequence. It could be that you take away the car keys or you could choose to let one of your other children do the task and pay them for it out of your teen’s allowance. Be creative. It is imperative that parents teach teens what it means to be responsible and to understand that throughout life they will have to learn how to deal appropriately with authority figures.”
These days teens get hammered at school by derogatory nicknames and sarcasm from friends and peers. Try not to hammer your child or continually find fault. Instead, come alongside your teen and be an encouraging parent. Tell them you believe in them. You can be on their side without shirking your responsibilities as a parent.
Many parents have found themselves questioning their sanity when it comes to adolescence. One minute their teen is nice and fun to be around. The next minute it is as though an alien has taken over their child. Sometimes it is hard to know if what you are experiencing with your teen is normal.
Respected psychologist Bruce Narramore describes normal negativity and inappropriate negativity during the teen years. Knowing when your teen’s behavior crosses the line from normal to inappropriate is a judgment call on the parent’s part. Dr. Larramore gives these examples of normal and inappropriate negative behaviors.
Examples of normal negativity include: increased assertiveness; direct expression of opinions and ideas; complaining about chores; making decisions parents disagree with; keeping secrets from parents; and occasional stubbornness.
Inappropriate negative behaviors would include: chronic irritability; chronic negativism; rebellion; defiance; isolation; depression; raging outbursts; and prolonged, angry withdrawal.
“There are times when parents will have to assume the role of the NFL referee and throw a flag, calling the teenager to account for crossing the line,” said Dr. Leman. “A child who feels close to his parents is less likely to engage in destructive behavior. By caring for and staying close to your child, you create a healthy shield around him/her. By your love, consistency, and involvement in your teenager’s life your child knows whether you are with him/her or not. It is critical that parents come alongside their child and discuss his/her problems. Throw out a life preserver and bring your teen on board.”
Parents Know the Risks
“The risks facing teens today are nothing like what we faced at their age,” said Dr. Leman. “There is little consensus among teens about what constitutes sex. Too many parents are sticking their heads in the sand when it comes to dealing with these tough issues.”
Dr. Leman recommends that parents use time in the car with their teen as an opportunity to address these tough topics.
“If you need a method for talking to your child about sex, take him or her for a drive on an interstate,” said Dr. Leman. “Then you can look out the window as you talk about sexual issues. I recommend that mothers talk to their sons and fathers talk to their daughters about this issue. A mother can tell her son how a young woman wants to be treated and fathers can tell daughters how guys think. Do not underestimate the importance of the mother/son and father/daughter relationship.
A Survival Guide
As you navigate the white waters of adolescence, here are some additional thoughts on how to be a great raft guide for your teen:
· Give your teenager freedom, but hold him/her accountable. Sometimes parents are too quick to bail their teen out of trouble.
“My kids never had a curfew,” said Dr. Leman. “It wasn’t that they didn’t ask for one. I always told them to be in at a reasonable time, but never gave a specific time. Many parents look at me as if I am crazy when I say this, but the truth is that this is part of learning how to be responsible and accountable. All my kids knew what I meant by reasonable hour. If they came in at 4 am, that would be the last time.”
· Are you raising your teen in a home or a hotel?
“Many teens these days are living in hotels where parents do everything for them,” said Dr. Leman. “This is not acceptable. Teens should have responsibilities around the house and should be expected to participate in family activities. It is perfectly acceptable for parents to expect a teen to keep their room reasonable. My rule was I want to be able to see the floor on Tuesdays and Saturdays.”
· Mutual respect is the cornerstone of all relationships. You should expect your teen to treat you with respect and you should be respectful to your teen.
· Everybody’s thoughts and feelings have value.
· Watch your tone of voice. Rude behavior is not acceptable from anyone including parents.
· Use nonthreatening communication.
· Laugh at everything you can and find reasons to have fun.
“In spite of what you might hear from the culture at large, parents DO make a difference in the lives of their children,” said Dr. Leman. “They watch every move you make and how you live your life. Recently, I received a note from my 32-year-old daughter that said, ‘Dad, thanks for teaching me that people are more important than things and living that out in your life. Love Holly.’ This note was in response to a situation that happened in New York where a friend was in an accident in my Jeep Cherokee. The first words out of my mouth were ‘Was anybody hurt.’ I honestly didn’t care about the car. Things can be replaced, people can’t.”